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Friday, November 19, 2010

Is there a pill for that?

So Blogher is doing this feel good series about owning your own beauty. Shouldn't reading these stories make me feel uplifted and better about myself? Inspiring is the goal, I'm pretty sure. However, they always make me tear up and feel sad. I want to be that girl who has learned to love herself. The one who has even learned to like herself would be a good start.

Yes, I know I'm a good person. I mean I get told that a lot and it's always for stuff I, well.... for stuff I just do. Like cooking extra food so my 81 year old mom doesn't have to cook every night for my picky, cranky 87 year old dad. Like sharing extra biscuits with the older lady down the row of condos, like helping a lady in Target get something unwieldy into her car. But I feel like that's just being a good neighbor to my fellow humans. I mean, geez, who doesn't live their life trying to make other people's lives pleasant?

So why do I hate myself? You know, I don't really understand it myself. If you named one thing you liked about me, I could tell you at least two things about that feature or trait that I dislike. I'm a pro at picking myself apart. I honestly hate myself for hating myself. I try so hard to look put together and made up every day, but you can't tell me I'm pretty and have me
believe it.

Of course, part of that could be my history of making bad choices in who I date.

I'm sure they all had their own reasons, but a lot of the guys I date just aren't interested in a physical relationship. Maybe some counselor could tell me that it's who I draw in or that I shut them out; but my current boyfriend and I have a pretty good physical relationship. Not as good as we did, but it's frequent enough.

I'm just tired of really, truly disliking myself. I just don't know where the door to the other side is. Why is there not a pill for this?

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