Incompatibilities

I'm just not sure that someone with poor self esteem will ever be compatible with someone with an overinflated self-esteem or self-worth. The impacts of telling someone they are sucking the life out of you with their negativity and constant bitching and adding to that the fact that you think they should work on losing weight and working out every day... well, those impacts are huge when your self esteem is fragile. Honestly, I don't think my friends think I'm constantly bitching and that I'm an energy vampire; but maybe they're not being honest with me. I'm also not sure if it hurt worse to hear the above things about me or to hear that sometimes he wants to do stuff without me because he just wants to be without me and doesn't want to offer an explanation of why. Unless I'm just hanging out with girlfriends, he's always invited along and on those rare occasions when he isn't invited I make it clear why. I guess it hurt to hear that I make him crazy instead of hearing he's crazy about me like I am about him. I just feel crushed and like I want to sink in to a puddle on the floor. And he'll have no idea why what he said hurt my feelings - he'll say, "I was just sharing. If you tell me that you're upset then I won't want to share anymore."

I'm tired of never being good enough for anyone. I just wish there was someone out there who loved me for me - but it hasn't happened in the 25 years I've been dating so I'm not holding my breath.

Winter musings

I have come to the realization that owning a TransAm somewhere that is snows regularly may not be a smart decision. I bought my car when I lived in Charleston, SC - it doesn't ever really snow there. (When it snows a leeetle bit they shut down the bridges and roads anyway.) I might be a slow learner because it's taken me 4 winters to realize this. I think I'm just tired of being stuck at home when it snows - probably the fact that I need new back tires so the sliding is extra special has helped bring this decision on.

On the way to work this morning, while driving on the lovely dry highway, I passed a tow truck. It was a nice tow truck. It was kind of a pretty brown color with the name of the company written in a script on the side. It made me wonder if you're better off being towed by a company that has nice trucks or one that has old trucks. Does the former mean that they charge more or just that they take care of their shit? Does the latter mean that they're a bargain or that they're cheap bastards?

The City of St. Louis is notorious for not cleaning their streets off well. My boyfriend's street isn't ever really plowed and eventually the snow just gets kind of packed down. Luckily the cross street is sort of plowed - they don't plow down to the pavement or anywhere near it but they knock the high spots off the snow. However, the worst part of my drive in this morning was the parking garage. It's owned by the city as well. Now, I'm used to the street leading to the parking garage not being plowed. It was very snow packed this morning and I was grateful I didn't slide into the gate. The "fun" part was that they hadn't salted inside the garage either. In fact, it looked like they might be understaffed because there wasn't anyone in the office - there was just the lone ticket taker at the exit. I slid around every corner and had to put it in low to climb every ramp. It was just like ice skating in a 4000# plus hunk of steel.

Lastly, I wore my old merrell boots in this morning. With the Superfeet insoles, they're pretty warm and dry. However, I need to remember that the shoes I carry into work will be really cold when I get here. Wow!

Divorce

It's odd how divorce seems to touch everyone you know at some point. When I got divorced, I was young - in my early 20's. No-one I knew was divorced yet and I recognized that I married someone who just wasn't the right one for me. We met in college and we broke up once only to reunite two years later. I worked and went to school and was involved in organizations. He was in a fraternity and heavily involved in rugby. In fact, I spent a lot of weekends taking pictures like these:

I loved taking pictures and he loved playing rugby. When we graduated though, I was ready to move on from our college life and play house. I wanted to do stuff together and we both wanted a house so we bought a house that needed work. After all, we were both engineers....right?

He still wanted to play rugby every weekend so not a lot got done around the house. He didn't have much to offer me as far as affection or common interests

But I digress....

One of my good friends from highschool who I reconnected with when I moved back here emailed me today to tell me her parents are getting divorced. Let me rephrase that: Her parents, who have been married 45 years and who really don't have much in the way of money or income, are getting divorced. He met some woman online (who is also married, although her husband is dying of cancer so that's better) (NOT) and when my friend asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday - she took her mom to Europe - he said he wanted to go to Vegas...alone. Turns out he was hooking up with this woman and now she's moving here so they can live together.

I never thought they'd get divorced and I'll admit I sat at my desk with my mouth hanging open for a good bit. Her mom has no money and not much income and their current house is in the hood so it's not a source of income. Her dad is being a total shit. But ya know... I'll bet my ex's family probably thought that about me. They probably still do. I guess my brother was right when he said there are two sides to every story when mom told him about my divorce. It just seems like sometimes, one side is a little harder to understand.

Winter is close

The other day I posted a status update on Facebook that said something like, "You know winter is around the corner when you see the Coasties all in their float coats." All my friends from the coast got it, but none of my midwestern friends did. I find that odd since on the southeast coast you only see float coats when it's really cold. Here's what I'm talking about:

They're very warm if you fall in the water in the winter, which is why you start to see them around here as soon as temps drop. I work in the same building as the US Coast Guard (Coasties) so I see them coming and going in the morning when they're headed out to the river. You usually just see them in their blue outfits, so it's pretty obvious if they have the orange coats on. They actually work as fairly warm winter coats too, although they're bulky and stiff.

Is there a pill for that?

So Blogher is doing this feel good series about owning your own beauty. Shouldn't reading these stories make me feel uplifted and better about myself? Inspiring is the goal, I'm pretty sure. However, they always make me tear up and feel sad. I want to be that girl who has learned to love herself. The one who has even learned to like herself would be a good start.

Yes, I know I'm a good person. I mean I get told that a lot and it's always for stuff I, well.... for stuff I just do. Like cooking extra food so my 81 year old mom doesn't have to cook every night for my picky, cranky 87 year old dad. Like sharing extra biscuits with the older lady down the row of condos, like helping a lady in Target get something unwieldy into her car. But I feel like that's just being a good neighbor to my fellow humans. I mean, geez, who doesn't live their life trying to make other people's lives pleasant?


So why do I hate myself? You know, I don't really understand it myself. If you named one thing you liked about me, I could tell you at least two things about that feature or trait that I dislike. I'm a pro at picking myself apart. I honestly hate myself for hating myself. I try so hard to look put together and made up every day, but you can't tell me I'm pretty and have me
believe it.

Of course, part of that could be my history of making bad choices in who I date.

I'm sure they all had their own reasons, but a lot of the guys I date just aren't interested in a physical relationship. Maybe some counselor could tell me that it's who I draw in or that I shut them out; but my current boyfriend and I have a pretty good physical relationship. Not as good as we did, but it's frequent enough.

I'm just tired of really, truly disliking myself. I just don't know where the door to the other side is. Why is there not a pill for this?

What Would Jesus Post

Okay, here's the deal. I'm sure God can see your facebook status post about blah, blah, blah if you believe Jesus is Lord you'll repost this. I'm just not sure he gives a rat's ass. I also am pretty sure this doesn't make you a good Christian, a better Christian than me or anything other than a lemming.

Yes, I'm Christian but I try my hardest to be one by living a good life and doing good to others. I don't try to sell you God at the door.

It's almost enough to make me quit facebook - almost.

The end of summer

I can't believe summer is almost over. It's been a brutally hot one for most of the US and I'm glad to have some cool mornings finally here. Here's a short highlight reel of my summer:

I went in the field (meaning I spent time out of the office visiting various sites for applications or violation reports) and found out there's a Taco John's in Marion, IL.

If you've never had Taco Johns you're really missing out. I hadn't had any since 1998 when I left Iowa.

A coworker of mine got their Super Nachos which were made with their Potato Oles rather than chips. It's like tater tots and Nachos all mixed up.


I took my mom to get cataract surgery.  (My niece calls this photo Pirate Grandma)

She was really worried about the surgery. I took this photo of her in the drive through of Taco Bell on the way home from the surgery center. We've always bonded over Taco Bell.

Now that she's had the surgery she actually is excited to get the other eye done. Everything is brighter and more clear - her vision is 20/20 in that eye. She never wore glasses until she had surgery for a cancerous tumor in 1979; and I'm excited for her to not wear glasses anymore.

I got my dog a puppy cut:

Oscar has long hair normally:

So this cut was a big deal for all of us. My boyfriend who has a dog allergy was especially excited about it it really made him look like a puppy again. But I'm definitely growing it out for the winter; I kind of miss my fluffy little boy.

I got to go to Lambert's Cafe for the first time.  My co-workers are always raving about this place and I have to admit it was pretty good.

Of course watching them throw the piping hot rolls was interesting but honestly it was the food that made me appreciate it. It was really good. It was too much food with all the extra sides they call "pass arounds" like fried potatoes and tomato and macaroni. But definitely worth the trip if I'm close again.

The reason I was close is that I had a training class in Memphis. It was really unbelievably hot in Memphis, so hot even the squirrels were looking for relief:

We couldn't believe it when we were walking back from lunch and saw this squirrel stretched out on the sidewalk. But everything was just blazing hot and this stretch of sidewalk was under an awning on the north side of the building so it probably was the coolest spot in the city.

She let us get pretty close and just kept a wary eye on us while she cooled her belly on the pavement. I was kind of jealous.